In 2001, a close friend of mine from university days invited me to go with him to Brixton for another friend’s wedding. A convert of West African descent, he was always much more rigorous in his approach to faith than I ever was, converting five years before me, in his mid-teens. Despite trying his best to steer me in one direction, he knew I was a lost cause, too laidback for my own good. But still he was going to try.Continue reading “Go with the flow”
To return and return
I don’t know why I returned from oblivion. Well, I do. It’s because I restarted treatment after neglecting it for years, meaning my levels shot up from their longterm low — a shock to the system — giving me a boost of, well, insanity. Or maybe just confidence, or momentary self-belief, or happiness. No, well, yes, just insanity. So then, there is the mechanism of my return. A partial why, or how, or why now.
But what I mean is, I don’t really honestly know why I decided reappear before people who had long forgotten I existed. Though, of course, this didn’t occur in isolation: all last year there was equal weirdness, and then that open letter to everyone I wronged, read by no one at all. Thus we come back to those favourite lines of verse: “If I need no forgiveness, I’m all but forgotten, Lost in the changing of the times.” There, I should have remained. No matter, soon enough it will be the same again.
I don’t actually have a problem with hypocrisy. We’re all hypocrites to some degree. How others choose to live their lives is no business of mine. All I object to is hypocrisy enforced with violence, or the threat of violence, or consequences undefined. That I can’t abide.
Once a dream
I’m not sure if I have any readers left who still recall a post I wrote sixteen years ago, in which I remembered:Continue reading “Once a dream”
The way of peace
As a result of his life experiences up to that point, nerd-face is fiercely egalitarian. He’s anti-racist, pro-justice, passionate about human rights. Due to a lifetime of bullying due to some imperceptible difference he can’t even see in himself, he’s developed a strong emphatic attunement with the underdog. In his personal relationships, he gravitates towards those apparently on the fringes of society, who themselves have faced a lifetime of discrimination, bullying and harassment.Continue reading “The way of peace”
“Dad,” our lad barks at me, “I never taught you to shout!”
Here I smile. “Well, actually you did,” I tell him.
“That’s true,” agrees my beloved, “he never used to raise his voice at anyone until we had two teenagers in the house!”
“You just need to recall what your own aspirations were, then your despondency will depart. Think about it: did you aspire to status?”Continue reading “Aspirations”
To correct course
If research literature on the psychosocial impact of this condition can be relied upon to provide some generic descriptors of the lived experience, I might conclude that I was wholly to blame for the majority of negative experiences in my life. By blame, I don’t mean that actions were intentional or malicious. I just mean that I was not equipped with the tools to function effectively in social settings.Continue reading “To correct course”
Ealing will always hold a special place in our hearts. Not just because it’s where we met, married and made our first home, but also because without that local authority, we would never have been able to raise these children.Continue reading “Shared destinies”
A common condition
There’s a new report out which suggests that the chromosome disorder I have been bestowed with is much more common than previously thought. That being the case, healthcare professionals ought to get much better at diagnosing and supporting those afflicted with its symptoms.Continue reading “A common condition”
A good arrangement
I wish I had been — or had been able to be — more assertive years ago when others were busy dissecting my life, explaining my decisions based on mere assumptions and prejudice. It’s my fault in some sense for merely taking everything for granted. If something seems bloody obvious to me, I’m not going to bother articulating counter arguments to all that has been said.Continue reading “A good arrangement”
It’s true that I’m perpetually occupied with my missteps in life. Thirty years ago I already had a pretty good idea what I wanted to do with my life: to be a graphic designer. But by then, I had already chosen a subject other than art for my GCSEs.Continue reading “Missteps”
Positive feedback loop
A few years ago, I had two good allies at work: the Director of IM&T and the Director of Communications. They both valued my work and were always at pains to endorse my efforts and ensure I was properly credited, cognisant that I was not one to blow my own trumpet. I was just a doer then, who could be relied upon to deliver without making a fuss.Continue reading “Positive feedback loop”
I am reminded that I am now nearly the age my parents were when I was our daughter’s age. Reflecting on my own shortcomings in relation to our children, it occurs to me that I should be more forgiving of moments back then, thirty years ago. My two older brothers were away at university, at the two extremes of the country; one on the far south west coast of England, the other on the far north east coast of Scotland.Continue reading “Our generation”
That ship has sailed
For a few days, I toyed with the idea of sharing with my family all that I have been pondering on my blog lately. To speak of my diagnosis for the first time and explore its impact on me back when our relationship was so poor, in my late adolescence and early twenties. But in the end I concluded: “What’s the point?” What’s the point of speaking of it eighteen years later, when it can change nothing at all?Continue reading “That ship has sailed”
Despite humble beginnings, raised amidst socio-economic deprivation, everyone did good. Indeed, they’ve done so well that they’ve left me far behind, rising through the ranks of career development and social status.Continue reading “Did good”
Out walking this evening, our lad turned to me and said, “What’s happened to you? You used to be such a calm man. Suddenly you’re… you’re so… cross… angry!”Continue reading “Uncalm”
Moments long gone
I suppose those who have had the misfortune to encounter me again after all these years may be asking one another: “What does he want from us?” But apart from their forgiveness, I don’t want anything at all. I don’t need their approval, we don’t need to meet, we don’t need to have a conversation or become lifelong friends. Nope, just forgiveness for what occurred in their presence, and all that then occurred afterwards.Continue reading “Moments long gone”
Culture and politics are very strong for a lot of people, making it hard for them to move forward. Although my family has a very strong Christian culture, I had the advantage of having experienced a decade of rejection in social interactions, breaking inhibitions which might have prevented me from taking radical action. It takes a lot to break from communal expectations. It’s only for the brave.
My father’s brother — an amateur historian — has traced our family tree on that side of the family back generations. Hundreds of years, in fact, discovering fascinating tales of our predecessors. One branch of the family emigrated to Canada in 1865, while the remainder appear to have been established in East Yorkshire for generations.Continue reading “This lineage”
I assume everyone has grown up. I assume we have all matured, moving far from where we once were. I assume experience has changed us, granting us nuanced perceptions of the world. I assume parenthood has made us more tolerant and kind. I assume our hearts have melted. I assume that if we were to meet today, we would greet one another fondly, treating each other with mutual respect. I assume we would now be friends.
My self and I
I suppose it is strange that I’ve been working through my feelings about this condition in front of complete strangers, instead of family.Continue reading “My self and I”
Hip hip hurray
Driving up the hill this evening, surveying the magnificent vista of Union flags and bunting, I couldn’t help thinking of that quote from George Orwell about a primative patriotism. Here we are living in truly awful times for so many — a cost of living crisis and rising child poverty — all obscured by a jingoistic feast. Hurray!
A trial of a gang of teenagers for punching, stamping and stabbing a young man they did not know nears its conclusion. Another senseless, unprovoked attack on a stranger, perpetrated by youngsters intent on on looking cool and tough. One man dead and the rest beginning lengthy prison sentences. Yet, still, people laugh at violence like this and consider it funny.Continue reading “Gang violence”
Books and the bin
I have written a number of books through the years, always momentarily published and then withdrawn. One of them was entitled, To Honour God. That one was only ever intended for my family, to help them come to terms with my journey of faith. Only, by the time I had completed it, I had already grown out of it and felt like flinging it into the bin. At my beloved’s behest, I still published it briefly in paperback form in 2008, but it only lasted a few months in the wild before I removed it from circulation once more.Continue reading “Books and the bin”
Why do sincere believers infantilise themselves, handing their affairs over to be managed by other believers, deemed more spiritual or wise than them? Why make another man or woman the master of your destiny? Is man not told not to claim himself special and pure?Continue reading “Our affairs”
Brave new worlds
Who would have thought it? That a nerd like me could simply be a man ahead of his time? Twenty-five years ahead, embracing a diverse fraternity, while all around me treated that as suspect and improper.Continue reading “Brave new worlds”
Everyone and everything has changed. Nothing could possibly stay the same, and it didn’t. I came this way, they went that. We all embraced completely different realties.Continue reading “Catalyst”
A good union
Today, may the honourable be honourable. May blessings descend, good bestowed. May the gentleman be gentlemanly, his beloved valued, his companion cherished. May peace descend, serenity spread out, kindness rule. May the One guide the couple, granting contentment, gratitude and a good return. Let it be a blessed union, destined to carry them to paradise, hand in hand.
Brace for impact
Nobody said raising kids would be easy. Indeed, we were warned repeatedly, during our childless phase, when those with children looked back at us with envy and we looked to them exactly the same. If those friends encountered us again today, they’d be saying, “We told you so!”Continue reading “Brace for impact”
I have just purged a massive project, deleting every single file and every copy on every backup disk. Gigabytes of data. Months, if not years of work.Continue reading “Sanity check”
Embracing what we are
The present is the first time since my early childhood that I have been content with my face. Ramadan losses excepted, it has filled out, my cheek bones no longer so pronounced, my face fatter and more proportioned, my skin aged. Most people spend their lives seeking the elixir of eternal youth; I spent mine attempting to counteract it. I have photos of myself at the end of a Masters degree programme, aged 23, still looking about seventeen.Continue reading “Embracing what we are”
Often the tiniest of triggers can send me into that downward spiral. One such trigger consists of just two words, fluttering before my eyes on Facebook or LinkedIn — “graduate jobs” — and once again I kick myself, telling myself that I really screwed up there. How did it all go so wrong for me? Of course, I know the answer to that.Continue reading “Graduate jobs”
Dare to dream
As a teenager, I took it for granted that the march towards racial equality was a goal shared by all. In 1991, we saw the end of Apartheid in South Africa, and I just assumed this was celebrated by everyone. My mother’s youngest sister had married an Indian man and the whole of his family had been embraced by our clan. My eldest brother’s longterm girlfriend (later his wife) was born in the Caribbean. A Nigerian family attended our local church, where banners celebrating equality were found hanging from the walls. I thought the majority of people believed in this brotherhood of man.Continue reading “Dare to dream”
Not so dumb questions
The poor kids: dad asks so many dumb and annoying questions. I know them to be dumb because they tell me so, and because they roll their eyes at me and shake their heads. But I ask them anyway, because I think my dumb questions are important.Continue reading “Not so dumb questions”
Everyone has trials
The one in pain makes a lot of assumptions about the one they think has it all. “What would you know? You’ve never been tested by such trials!”Continue reading “Everyone has trials”
May God bless the developers of satnav. I shudder thinking back to the daft rows we had in the early days of marriage when stressed by a map reading mishap, completely lost on the way to some event in London in our little red donkey. Such ungentlemanly behaviour, tempers flaring. Thank God we have mellowed with age. Thank Satnam we now have satnav!
Don’t follow to be followed. Don’t be an adult pretending to be a kid. Don’t be a man pretending to be a girl. Don’t write what you think will get you noticed. Don’t set out with ulterior motives. Don’t hang out in the hope that others will engage you. Only a fool would fall for the freshly minted account seeking an audience — waving and prodding — before you’ve said anything at all. If you’re for real, your authentic voice will speak volumes. So be real. Be true to yourself. Don’t be fake; fakeness only reveals you.
There is so much I have always attributed to a strict, Christian upbringing which should probably be more correctly associated with my undying timidity. When I begin exploring past events a bit more, it occurs to me that a normal youngster would have just asserted themselves to demand whatever their heart desired. Few would have been as passive as me, forever in fear of the consequences for transgressing the norms set out by the significant adults around me.Continue reading “Undying timidity”
Fifty percent of your population lives below the poverty line. Nine million people are at risk of starvation. Millions of children are malnourished. Your priority? Telling women what they should or should not wear, and obsessing about the lengths of men’s beards. This is called seriously misunderstanding what your religion is for. It’s not a fancy dress contest. It’s a path towards achieving a state of safety and sound health, by shunning injustice, inequality and corruption. Make things easy for the people and do not make them run away.